Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
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My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
😂😂
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.