How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
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Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Bike is short for Bichael.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream