My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
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learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?