A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
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I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Mission: Impossible
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks