Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
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Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
i like to flex on them by shrugging
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”