@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
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Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
This hospital has everything
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas