6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
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It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL