The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
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If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
This one’s “Alex”.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
#SaturdayBears
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?