Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
You Might Also Like
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
The “baby” on the left….
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo