‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
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i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Are you ok, human???
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.