The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
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Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel