The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
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Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
*updates tinder bio*
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
When you’re here for the treats.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets