The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
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Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Just ordered me some pizza!
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.