@GloriaFallon123

The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”

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@Professor_Ryan

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

@a_simpl_man

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

@amishschool

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

@fatherofcomedy

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

@Brampersandon_

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

@UncleDuke1969

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

@XplodingUnicorn

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

@daemonic3

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

@a_simpl_man

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

@joshgondelman

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.