“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
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[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Just so funny
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Sell your car
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.