Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
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convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
💯😂
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.