Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
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My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.