Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
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Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I have so many questions.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.