My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
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the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great