It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
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“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this