When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
me: Should I pack condoms?
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.