My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
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A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.