doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
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No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
‘I know a black person’
– White people
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon