me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
You Might Also Like
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.