Modded the new Gran Turismo
You Might Also Like
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys