Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
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Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
accurate
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?