I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
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When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
huge if true: the moon
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
my dad has had enough
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume