“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
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The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods