I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
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Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.