Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

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DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS