[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
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what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Meowchelangelo
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.