non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”![]()
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A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
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Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My neck my back my allergy attack
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Mission: Impossible
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Noted.
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CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.