non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
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Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Hot hot hot 🥵
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Somebody call the cops.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.