my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
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I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers