My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
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I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Spring cleaning checklist…
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG