@gidget_76

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

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@rorygneesmith

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

@RunOldMan

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

@OctopusCaveman

What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?

@noog

Five reasons why blowjobs are the greatest thing:

1) Feel amazing.
2) Women can’t talk during them.
3) See # 2.
4) See # 3.
5) See # 4.

@Inconsteveable

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

@puppy_eggs

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

@MorganJ7

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

@STitusR

The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!

@atthecubicle

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.