My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.


When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.


What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?


Five reasons why blowjobs are the greatest thing:

1) Feel amazing.
2) Women can’t talk during them.
3) See # 2.
4) See # 3.
5) See # 4.


If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.


It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it


Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.


The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!


Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.