Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
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The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Just a bush.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do