If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
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Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.