“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
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[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
FRED: right
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever