@Spooferman_

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

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@MarfSalvador

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

@Fred_Delicious

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

@TheFirstDudish

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

@KentWGraham

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

@dmndstarpotato

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

@dafloydsta

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

@iGreenGod

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

@ericsshadow

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.