@MarfSalvador [Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
@Spooferman_ “What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
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@MarfSalvador 
@Fred_Delicious Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
@JohnLyonTweets Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
@TheFirstDudish My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
@KentWGraham It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
@dmndstarpotato How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
@dafloydsta [movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
@DothTheDoth Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
@iGreenGod This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
@ericsshadow This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.