“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
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What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.