Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!