Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
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I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
won’t smith
Kids, do not try this at home!
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Make new friends? bro out of what?
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows