My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
You Might Also Like
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Mornin. * use accordingly
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
groan^2
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.