Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
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Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
me opening up to someone