centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
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Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Care for your back
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*