It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
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[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]