migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
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SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Botany good plants lately?
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person