walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
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My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.