Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

A leaf blower, but for people.

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

Stork: I have a baby.

Pigeon: I have the mail.

Canary: I have bad news.

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?