Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Drunk!

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”

The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.

He’s got some nerve.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

Erm I’m gonna say no

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words