Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
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a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17