[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
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Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.