Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
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the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long