The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
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A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Pigeon open mic night.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA