Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
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Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic