Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
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If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Well, this certainly took a turn
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.