[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
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Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.