me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
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If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
the answer was staring at me all along
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.