Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
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A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Why are bridges so flammable.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Spell check is for lasers.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.