Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
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First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.