Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
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podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great